Illinois vs. Purdont'

Illinois vs. Purdon't
Tonight @ 8 p.m.

So last week I was home in Chicago having dinner w/my family, when my Illini beer swilling Uncle says, "You'll never guess who ______ saw at _____ Salon (the _____ is not to protect my sources, it's because I do not remember _____'s name or where she gets her hair cut)."

"The Donald?" I asked.

"No, a guy w/even better 'hair' than the Donald. As ______ walks into the salon she recognizes the man who passes her as he walk out. She turned to the receptionist and says, 'Do you know who that is?...That's Gene Keady.' And the receptionist says, "Yeah, he's a real nice guy...really funny. He comes here to get hair extensions for his comb-over.'"

I kid you not Illini fans.

The Boilermaker coach, who owns a scowl mean enough to make Hannibal Lector cower in fear and who sports better extensions than Beyonce Knowles, has been getting way too much press as he makes his farewell tour of the Big10. Tonight should be 100% dedicated to the 5 Illini Seniors graduating at the end of the year. Here's a small blurb on each.

Luther
When Luther Head saw action as a freshman, we all said, "Man that kid can jump; but if he throws up any more bricks, then he'll be able to build a new house for his mother (Sidney Deane, White Men Can't Jump)." Now, Luther is one of the best 3-point shooters in the nation, and is a candidate to be an All-American.

The Preacher

Best known as the only college basketball player who is an ordained minister, Roger Powell Jr. didn't reach his full potential until Bruce Weber came aboard in 2003. Since then, Powell has played w/a Charles Barkley mentality and given us more SportsCenter highlights, than any other graduating Illini.

Chainsaw

As soon as Nick Smith stepped on the court, we all new that he was the tallest player in Illinois history. W/a soft touch from the outside, we got excited every year when the newspapers reported that smith put on 30 lbs. in the off-season. By my calculation, Nick should be tipping the scales at a solid 370...he's not.

Ham Sandwich

Jack Ingram was recruited by Bill Self to Tulsa and followed Selfless to Illinois - paying his own way. As soon as Ingram became eligible last year, $elf jumped ship again for Kansas. Despite it all, Ingram has made the most of his situation, his talent, and his eligibility. I think that this is his 6th year in college, and even Coach Weber likes to kid him about it, "His patience has been tried. I joke that when I got the job, his mom called and said, 'Would you please stay for two years? My son is losing his self-esteem. Coaches leave when he comes.'

The Walk-on

Fred Nkemdi is a seldom used walk-on who says his greatest accomplishment as an athlete was the day he put on his University of Illinois Basketball jersey. In practice, he's the punching bag for our starters; but seeing Dee, Deron, and Luther jump out of their seats whenever he gets a basket shows how much a part of the team he truly is.

Thanks for all the hard work Seniors!

Preview

It has not been the type of farewell year that the ugliest coach in the college basketball was hoping. He's 7-18 on the year and 3-11 in the Big10, but every stadium that he's visited this year has presented him with a gift. Hopefully, our gift to Gene will be a good ole fashioned ass whipping. Purdon't's best player is Forward Carl Landry who tore his ACL in Saturday's loss to Minnesota. The Boilermakers will have a huge scoring and rebounding void to fill as Landry averaged 18 ppg and 7 rpg.

Without Landry, Purdon't has no one to guard The Rev. Roger Powell Jr. will go off in a big way on Senior Night. Besides being the odds on favorite to cry before the game, Powell will score off easy lay-ups and dunks set up by dishes from Dee, Deron, and Luther. Powell will hit the offensive glass w/such ferociousness that a double-double is almost guaranteed.

Illinois - 85
Purdue - 59


Sincerely,

Ham Sandwich's Goatee