Illinois vs. University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee
Tonight @ 6:27 p.m.
Hoops squads throughout the country play their best basketball during the madness of March, so too do writers step up their games in an attempt to satisfy the basketball jones of loyal fans. Re-typed below is one of my favorite columns of all time. It's about basketball, and it's a bit long. So print it out if you want, but be sure, however, to read Steve Rushin's 'Profession of Faith' before tip-off tonight.
Game Preview
After taking an 11-0 lead in last weeks 2nd round game against UWM, an unnamed Boston College player turned to UWM guard Ed McCants and spewed, "I don't give a sh!t what you did to Alabama. This is the Big East, baby." Unfortunately for BC, UWM closed out the game with an 83-64 run , and earned a trip to the Sweet Sixteen.
UWM plays basketball hard. They play the game the way it should be played -- 94 feet by 40 minutes. W/all but one starter standing under 6'5", UWM's four guard attack has forced a hair under 18 turnovers a game. Still, would it be wise to press a team like the Illini? We have 3 point guards on the floor at all times, and James Augustine and Roger Powell are much more mobile than the other forwards UWM has played in the tournament. All week, Weber has been simulating the UWM press by throwing 7 guys on the floor to defend his team. Augustine, Powell, Ingram, Smith, and Carter have been participating in drills usually reserved for guards.
UWM is relentless, and they proved it during their upset wins over Alabama and Boston College. If Illinois can get out to an early lead, then they cannot afford to go on cruise control. An 11 point lead can disappear very quickly against a pressing team like this. So how will we do it? We will attack when we have numbers, and we will feed our forwards down low when we get into a half court set.
We will get a gauge on how comfortable our players are early in the game. If we are pounding the ball into the ground to beat the press, then we could be in for a tight one. But if we move the ball across half court w/crisp passing, then Bruce Pearl and his team will be on the receiving end of a SportsCenter highlight real. Down low, I expect Powell to have a monstrous game on the glass. He will eat these guys up if he can get the ball consistently on the block.
Much has been made of the Bruce Pearl saga in the week leading up to this game. Tonight, as much as 70% of the Rosemont Horizon will be dressed in Illini orange and ready to cheer their team on to a birth in the Elite Eight. I encourage you all to read Steve Rushin's column below and remember that March is about hoops and not a feud that started 15 years ago. Go Illini.
I believe in b-ball
Hockey players, among all athletes, have the coolest way of entering the game, hopping over the boards with one hand, like Steve McQueen getting into a convertible. But basketball is forever, and so players are often made to genuflect in front of the scorer's table for a moment before stepping onto the court, as if entering a house of worship. Which, in a manner of speaking, they are.
For one is baptized into basketball not with water but confetti (conferred on the head by Curly Neal). And one believes in basketball, as one believes in the Bible and in all those names that are common to both: Moses and Isiah and Jordan…
Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden and so -- eventually -- were the Celtics, and sometime in between I became a believer, and this is my profession of faith:
I believe in Artis Gilmore, whose wife is named --as God is my witness -- Enola Gay.
I believe in new high-tops, always evocative of Christmas morning, for you get to open a large box, remove crinkly paper stuffed into the toes, and -- before wearing them for the first time -- inhale deeply from each sneaker as if from an airplane oxygen mask. (It's what wine connoisseurs call "nosing the bouquet" and works for Pumas as well as pinot noirs.)
I believe in tear-away suits, which make the wearer feel -- when summoned from the bench -- like Clark Kent, ripping off his business suit to reveal the S on his chest.
I believe a team's fortunes can always be foretold -- not from the length of its lifelines but from the integrity of its lay-up lines.
I believe in God Shammgod and Alaa Abdelnaby, and James (Buddha) Edwards (and in Black Jesus, Earl Monroe's nickname long before it was the Pearl).
I believe in accordion-style bleachers that push back to expose, after a game, car keys and quarters and paper cups, which sound like a gunshot when stomped on just right. (And always, stuck to the floor, the forlorn strands of molting pom-poms.)
I believe -- now more than ever, in the time of global disharmony -- in World B. Free and Majestic Mapp. And that control of the planet's contested regions might be better determined by a simple, alternating possession arrow.
I believe that 300 basketballs dribbled simultaneously by eight-year-old basketball campers sound like buffalo thundering across the plains. And inspire even greater awe.
I believe that two high school janitors pushing twin dust mops at halftime can be every bit as hypnotic as dueling Zambonis.
I believe that any sucker can wear a $40,000 gold necklace as thick as a bridge cable when the only necklace worth wearing in basketball is a nylon net that costs $9.99. (but --and here's the point -- it can't be bought.)
I'm a believer in Lafayette Lever and regret never having covered him, for if I had, my first sentence about him would have been, "There must be 50 ways to love your Lever."
I believe that jumping off a trampoline, turning a midair somersault, slam-dunking and sticking the landing -- while wearing a gorilla suit that's wearing, in turn, a Phoenix suns warm-up jacket -- is enough to qualify you as a first-ballot Hall-of-Famer.
I believe in Harthorne Wingo, and I believe in Zap the dingo, the Detroit shock mascot whose costume was stolen from the Palace of Auburn Hills by two men who were caught -- one in the dingo head, the other in the dingo feet -- drinking in a bar across the street.
I believe in dunking dirty clothes into the hallway hamper and sky-hooking -- from the shotgun seat -- quarters into highway toll baskets. And I believe in finger-rolling heads of lettuce into my shopping cart, even though I have never, in the last 10 years, eaten a piece of lettuce at home.
I believe I can still hold, in my right hand, a boom box the size of Samsonite Streamlite while carrying, in my left, a slick rubber ball whose pebble-grain stubble has long before been dribbled away. And that I can do so while riding a 10-speed bike and steering with my knees.
I believe that the Truth (Drew Gooden) and the Answer (Allen Iverson) are out there, if we will simply follow the bouncing ball.
I believe that we, the basketball faithful, speak in tongues: the red, wagging tongue of Michael Jordan and the red, wagging tongues of our unlaced Chuck Taylors.
I believe that Larry Bird's crooked right index finger -- which he raised in triumph before his winning shot fell in the 1988 All-Star weekend three-point contest -- resembles, almost exactly, God's crooked right index finger, as depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Which would make sense, If God made man in His image. For I believe, above all, in what G.K. Chesterton wrote, and what Rick Telander echoed in the title of a book: Earth is a task garden. But heaven is a playground.
-Steve Rushin
Illinois - 78
UWM - 65
Sincerely,
Your Last Place Bracket
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Thursday, March 17, 2005
IGP: The Tourney Edition
Illinois vs. Farleigh Dickenson
Tonight @ 8:30
Welcome to the 2005 NCAA Tournament Edition of the IGP. In only a few hours the madness will begin, and you will be on your way to winning the office pool…that is, if you follow my 3 Steps to Office Pool Immortality Guide. I expect a steak dinner in the off-season when you win.
1. Pick the winner. Like it or not, if you want to be in the $$$, then you need to pick the winner. It's nearly impossible to catch up on points if you don't have the final game predicted correctly. This one is easy, though. It's the Illini.
2. Bank on heavy hitters. I am not talking about the steroid induced gorillas in baseball. I am talking about college hoops gamers. Every year a prime performer hits on all cylinders and carries his team to the Sweet Sixteen or further. Randolph Childress, God Shamgod, Harold Arceneaux, and Kyle Korver are a few examples. This year we have the obvious choices like Salim Stoudemire - 'Zona, Jerry McNamara - 'Cuse, or Francisco Garcia - Louisville. But how about Nate Funk - Creighton (17.6 ppg), Allan Ray - 'Nova (17.3 ppg 41% 3pt shooting pct), or Andrew Bogut - Utah (21ppg 12 rpg). Bank on these guys winning at least one round, and Allen Ray leading his team to the Sweet Sixteen by topping 'Cuse (there is only room for one orange and blue team).
3. Bet on winners. I've seen Georgia Tech is a popular choice to go deep in the Albuquerque bracket. I don't understand why. They're 2-9 against the field of 64, and they barely squeaked into the field thanks to a late run in the ACC tourney. The Yellow Jackets are a shadow of the team they were last year - find the white out. Florida is another squad that will blow up your brackets if you pick them to go deep. Head Coach Billy Donovan is a choke artist in the NCAAs. He's an underachiever who will fall to an overachiever named Jay Wright who is the Head Coach at Villanova.
On to the meat and potatoes
I received a disturbing e-mail the other day from a diehard Illini fan who was at the Big 10 tournament. He told me that he was worried about the Illini in the NCAAs. "They didn't look like a final four team," he whined. After picking myself up off the floor, I wrote down a few of Illinois' accomplishments this year.
· 14-0 non-conference record
· 15-1 Big 10 record - Outright Conference Champs
· 13-0 vs. tournament teams
· 15 wks ranked no. 1
· 3 First Team All Big 10 Selections
· Big Ten Player of the Year and Big Ten Defensive Player of the Year - Dee Brown
· 5 Players averaging double figures
· Home Court Advantage throughout the tournament (Indy, Chicago, St. Louis)
Feeling better?
When we started the season, every overpaid hoops analyst said that our frontcourt was suspect. But who carried us through the Big Ten Tournament? James Augustine earned tourney MVP honors by averaging a double-double; while Roger Powell played like a 7 footer, pulling down every offensive rebound available. Our perceived weakness has become a strength.
Smiling?
We have the best backcourt in the country. Dee Brown was quoted in the paper as saying he's been taking 300 shots a day. He said that he's not concerned w/how many he makes. He is searching for his shooting touch. It's a feeling that is not satisfied by the sound of a swish but by the feeling he gets when the shot leaves his finger tips. Deron Williams gets that feeling when he sees a teammate open in the lane. He mentally chalks up an assist before Augustine or Powell even catch the ball. Luther Head gets that feeling when he's going to hole. He can smell the front of the rim, and something inside wills him to beat his man to the basket.
Getting charged up?
I told you earlier in this letter to bank on a few prime performers to take their teams deeper in the tourney. Illinois doesn't rely on one player to win They play the best team basketball in the nation. That is why they will succeed.
This year, I wrote that the Illini make sweet music when they play together; I said they were like superheroes on the basketball court; and I even compared them to a prize fighter. Illini fans, there is only one thing left that I want to call this team - CHAMPIONS.
Sincerely,
Mike Nett
Tonight @ 8:30
Welcome to the 2005 NCAA Tournament Edition of the IGP. In only a few hours the madness will begin, and you will be on your way to winning the office pool…that is, if you follow my 3 Steps to Office Pool Immortality Guide. I expect a steak dinner in the off-season when you win.
1. Pick the winner. Like it or not, if you want to be in the $$$, then you need to pick the winner. It's nearly impossible to catch up on points if you don't have the final game predicted correctly. This one is easy, though. It's the Illini.
2. Bank on heavy hitters. I am not talking about the steroid induced gorillas in baseball. I am talking about college hoops gamers. Every year a prime performer hits on all cylinders and carries his team to the Sweet Sixteen or further. Randolph Childress, God Shamgod, Harold Arceneaux, and Kyle Korver are a few examples. This year we have the obvious choices like Salim Stoudemire - 'Zona, Jerry McNamara - 'Cuse, or Francisco Garcia - Louisville. But how about Nate Funk - Creighton (17.6 ppg), Allan Ray - 'Nova (17.3 ppg 41% 3pt shooting pct), or Andrew Bogut - Utah (21ppg 12 rpg). Bank on these guys winning at least one round, and Allen Ray leading his team to the Sweet Sixteen by topping 'Cuse (there is only room for one orange and blue team).
3. Bet on winners. I've seen Georgia Tech is a popular choice to go deep in the Albuquerque bracket. I don't understand why. They're 2-9 against the field of 64, and they barely squeaked into the field thanks to a late run in the ACC tourney. The Yellow Jackets are a shadow of the team they were last year - find the white out. Florida is another squad that will blow up your brackets if you pick them to go deep. Head Coach Billy Donovan is a choke artist in the NCAAs. He's an underachiever who will fall to an overachiever named Jay Wright who is the Head Coach at Villanova.
On to the meat and potatoes
I received a disturbing e-mail the other day from a diehard Illini fan who was at the Big 10 tournament. He told me that he was worried about the Illini in the NCAAs. "They didn't look like a final four team," he whined. After picking myself up off the floor, I wrote down a few of Illinois' accomplishments this year.
· 14-0 non-conference record
· 15-1 Big 10 record - Outright Conference Champs
· 13-0 vs. tournament teams
· 15 wks ranked no. 1
· 3 First Team All Big 10 Selections
· Big Ten Player of the Year and Big Ten Defensive Player of the Year - Dee Brown
· 5 Players averaging double figures
· Home Court Advantage throughout the tournament (Indy, Chicago, St. Louis)
Feeling better?
When we started the season, every overpaid hoops analyst said that our frontcourt was suspect. But who carried us through the Big Ten Tournament? James Augustine earned tourney MVP honors by averaging a double-double; while Roger Powell played like a 7 footer, pulling down every offensive rebound available. Our perceived weakness has become a strength.
Smiling?
We have the best backcourt in the country. Dee Brown was quoted in the paper as saying he's been taking 300 shots a day. He said that he's not concerned w/how many he makes. He is searching for his shooting touch. It's a feeling that is not satisfied by the sound of a swish but by the feeling he gets when the shot leaves his finger tips. Deron Williams gets that feeling when he sees a teammate open in the lane. He mentally chalks up an assist before Augustine or Powell even catch the ball. Luther Head gets that feeling when he's going to hole. He can smell the front of the rim, and something inside wills him to beat his man to the basket.
Getting charged up?
I told you earlier in this letter to bank on a few prime performers to take their teams deeper in the tourney. Illinois doesn't rely on one player to win They play the best team basketball in the nation. That is why they will succeed.
This year, I wrote that the Illini make sweet music when they play together; I said they were like superheroes on the basketball court; and I even compared them to a prize fighter. Illini fans, there is only one thing left that I want to call this team - CHAMPIONS.
Sincerely,
Mike Nett
Friday, March 11, 2005
Illinois vs. NU
Illinois vs. Northwestern
Today @ 11 a.m.
When I got to work on Monday morning, I had 6 e-mails bursting at the seams ready to taunt me after my alma mater came w/in 6 seconds of a perfect season. The first email read:
O-H
And the second email read:
I-O
The third was from my boss's boss, who went to tOSU, and claimed that I owed him lunch - we didn't even bet on the game!
A Wisky alum sent the fourth email. "How about them Buckeye's?" He asked. This was well deserved because after each Illini win over Wisconsin, I pinned fresh news clippings to his bulletin board.
The fifth was from a converted Illini fan in Chicago who just wanted a reply message to make sure I was still upright.
And the sixth was from mom, telling me that 'Everything was going to be alright.'
After reading these emails, my first thought was REVENGE, but my second thought was 'WWDD'.
What Would Dee Do? Would Dee respond to this trash talking by blowing his cool? No. Would Dee pout at the end of the bench? No. Would Dee send a virus to those who mocked him? No, again. Dee would be patient. He would wait until the moment was right - when the other team was helpless to respond. He would make a steal or two. He would swish a few threes. He would turn into the One-Man-Fast-Break, crushing his opponents w/a sweet finger roll at full speed. Then, after his steal(s), or three(s), or fast-break(s) he would make one defining on-court gesture to send the Illini fans into a frenzy or demoralize the enemy crowd into a boiling silence. It might be a flying chest bump w/6'10" James Augustine, or it might be a muscle tightening scream thru his orange mouth guard. But hopefully, it would be the gesture that made the cover of Sports Illustrated this past week. The one where he lifts his jersey up w/both hands to show everyone what is written across his chest. ILLINOIS
Preview
OK. You all know Northwestern's scouting report, but I'll give you the cliff notes version in case you don't remember.
Head Coach: Bill Carmody - former Princeton Coach. He loves the backdoor (wink, wink).
Defense: Match-up zone. Attack the gaps, reverse the ball quickly, and hit the open shots.
Offense: Don't let anyone w/a funny sounding name shoot the three ball.
We smoked 'em last time at Assembly Hall. We'll smoke 'em this time at the UC.
One of my coworkers is trying to tell me that Illinois' confidence is at a season low. He prophesizes that if we don't win the Big10 tourney, then we will limp into March Madness like a wounded animal. He's a Mizzou fan. So I smile, I nod, and I say, "Have fun at the N.I.T."
If you think that Illinois will come out tentative after their loss on Sunday, then you have not been watching this team. They won 29 straight games, and they are on a quest to win 9 more. The Illini are filled to the brim w/playmakers. From 6'10" Jack Ingram to Dee Brown even to Head Coach Bruce Weber. I have no doubts that they are ready to tear the Mildcats apart.
We may be a little over-aggressive to start; and although most of you will be watching your ESPN ticker instead of the game itself, we'll probably be fast breaking at every opportunity. Deron and Luther will penetrate more than usual in this game. Attacking the basket will give Dee more room to hoist up wide open threes. Our backcourt trio will see to it that we end this game early.
Illinois - 84
NU - 60
Sincerely,
Bob Bowlsby
PS - I never did tell you how I responded to that hate mail. In my defining Dee gesture, I waited until mid-afternoon when IGP Editor Matt Spitz emailed me the new AP Poll. Illinois was still number 1. So I raised my left hand and held up my index finger high. I started humming Three-And-One (the Chief's song), and I clicked send - forwarding the new AP Poll to all of our detractors. Bring on NU. Bring on MSU. Bring on Duke, UNC, and Kansas. I'm ready for them all. I'm ready to take on the world...And so are the Illini.
Today @ 11 a.m.
When I got to work on Monday morning, I had 6 e-mails bursting at the seams ready to taunt me after my alma mater came w/in 6 seconds of a perfect season. The first email read:
O-H
And the second email read:
I-O
The third was from my boss's boss, who went to tOSU, and claimed that I owed him lunch - we didn't even bet on the game!
A Wisky alum sent the fourth email. "How about them Buckeye's?" He asked. This was well deserved because after each Illini win over Wisconsin, I pinned fresh news clippings to his bulletin board.
The fifth was from a converted Illini fan in Chicago who just wanted a reply message to make sure I was still upright.
And the sixth was from mom, telling me that 'Everything was going to be alright.'
After reading these emails, my first thought was REVENGE, but my second thought was 'WWDD'.
What Would Dee Do? Would Dee respond to this trash talking by blowing his cool? No. Would Dee pout at the end of the bench? No. Would Dee send a virus to those who mocked him? No, again. Dee would be patient. He would wait until the moment was right - when the other team was helpless to respond. He would make a steal or two. He would swish a few threes. He would turn into the One-Man-Fast-Break, crushing his opponents w/a sweet finger roll at full speed. Then, after his steal(s), or three(s), or fast-break(s) he would make one defining on-court gesture to send the Illini fans into a frenzy or demoralize the enemy crowd into a boiling silence. It might be a flying chest bump w/6'10" James Augustine, or it might be a muscle tightening scream thru his orange mouth guard. But hopefully, it would be the gesture that made the cover of Sports Illustrated this past week. The one where he lifts his jersey up w/both hands to show everyone what is written across his chest. ILLINOIS
Preview
OK. You all know Northwestern's scouting report, but I'll give you the cliff notes version in case you don't remember.
Head Coach: Bill Carmody - former Princeton Coach. He loves the backdoor (wink, wink).
Defense: Match-up zone. Attack the gaps, reverse the ball quickly, and hit the open shots.
Offense: Don't let anyone w/a funny sounding name shoot the three ball.
We smoked 'em last time at Assembly Hall. We'll smoke 'em this time at the UC.
One of my coworkers is trying to tell me that Illinois' confidence is at a season low. He prophesizes that if we don't win the Big10 tourney, then we will limp into March Madness like a wounded animal. He's a Mizzou fan. So I smile, I nod, and I say, "Have fun at the N.I.T."
If you think that Illinois will come out tentative after their loss on Sunday, then you have not been watching this team. They won 29 straight games, and they are on a quest to win 9 more. The Illini are filled to the brim w/playmakers. From 6'10" Jack Ingram to Dee Brown even to Head Coach Bruce Weber. I have no doubts that they are ready to tear the Mildcats apart.
We may be a little over-aggressive to start; and although most of you will be watching your ESPN ticker instead of the game itself, we'll probably be fast breaking at every opportunity. Deron and Luther will penetrate more than usual in this game. Attacking the basket will give Dee more room to hoist up wide open threes. Our backcourt trio will see to it that we end this game early.
Illinois - 84
NU - 60
Sincerely,
Bob Bowlsby
PS - I never did tell you how I responded to that hate mail. In my defining Dee gesture, I waited until mid-afternoon when IGP Editor Matt Spitz emailed me the new AP Poll. Illinois was still number 1. So I raised my left hand and held up my index finger high. I started humming Three-And-One (the Chief's song), and I clicked send - forwarding the new AP Poll to all of our detractors. Bring on NU. Bring on MSU. Bring on Duke, UNC, and Kansas. I'm ready for them all. I'm ready to take on the world...And so are the Illini.
Thursday, March 3, 2005
Illinois vs. Purdont'
Illinois vs. Purdon't
Tonight @ 8 p.m.
So last week I was home in Chicago having dinner w/my family, when my Illini beer swilling Uncle says, "You'll never guess who ______ saw at _____ Salon (the _____ is not to protect my sources, it's because I do not remember _____'s name or where she gets her hair cut)."
"The Donald?" I asked.
"No, a guy w/even better 'hair' than the Donald. As ______ walks into the salon she recognizes the man who passes her as he walk out. She turned to the receptionist and says, 'Do you know who that is?...That's Gene Keady.' And the receptionist says, "Yeah, he's a real nice guy...really funny. He comes here to get hair extensions for his comb-over.'"
I kid you not Illini fans.
The Boilermaker coach, who owns a scowl mean enough to make Hannibal Lector cower in fear and who sports better extensions than Beyonce Knowles, has been getting way too much press as he makes his farewell tour of the Big10. Tonight should be 100% dedicated to the 5 Illini Seniors graduating at the end of the year. Here's a small blurb on each.
Luther
When Luther Head saw action as a freshman, we all said, "Man that kid can jump; but if he throws up any more bricks, then he'll be able to build a new house for his mother (Sidney Deane, White Men Can't Jump)." Now, Luther is one of the best 3-point shooters in the nation, and is a candidate to be an All-American.
The Preacher
Best known as the only college basketball player who is an ordained minister, Roger Powell Jr. didn't reach his full potential until Bruce Weber came aboard in 2003. Since then, Powell has played w/a Charles Barkley mentality and given us more SportsCenter highlights, than any other graduating Illini.
Chainsaw
As soon as Nick Smith stepped on the court, we all new that he was the tallest player in Illinois history. W/a soft touch from the outside, we got excited every year when the newspapers reported that smith put on 30 lbs. in the off-season. By my calculation, Nick should be tipping the scales at a solid 370...he's not.
Ham Sandwich
Jack Ingram was recruited by Bill Self to Tulsa and followed Selfless to Illinois - paying his own way. As soon as Ingram became eligible last year, $elf jumped ship again for Kansas. Despite it all, Ingram has made the most of his situation, his talent, and his eligibility. I think that this is his 6th year in college, and even Coach Weber likes to kid him about it, "His patience has been tried. I joke that when I got the job, his mom called and said, 'Would you please stay for two years? My son is losing his self-esteem. Coaches leave when he comes.'
The Walk-on
Fred Nkemdi is a seldom used walk-on who says his greatest accomplishment as an athlete was the day he put on his University of Illinois Basketball jersey. In practice, he's the punching bag for our starters; but seeing Dee, Deron, and Luther jump out of their seats whenever he gets a basket shows how much a part of the team he truly is.
Thanks for all the hard work Seniors!
Preview
It has not been the type of farewell year that the ugliest coach in the college basketball was hoping. He's 7-18 on the year and 3-11 in the Big10, but every stadium that he's visited this year has presented him with a gift. Hopefully, our gift to Gene will be a good ole fashioned ass whipping. Purdon't's best player is Forward Carl Landry who tore his ACL in Saturday's loss to Minnesota. The Boilermakers will have a huge scoring and rebounding void to fill as Landry averaged 18 ppg and 7 rpg.
Without Landry, Purdon't has no one to guard The Rev. Roger Powell Jr. will go off in a big way on Senior Night. Besides being the odds on favorite to cry before the game, Powell will score off easy lay-ups and dunks set up by dishes from Dee, Deron, and Luther. Powell will hit the offensive glass w/such ferociousness that a double-double is almost guaranteed.
Illinois - 85
Purdue - 59
Sincerely,
Ham Sandwich's Goatee
Tonight @ 8 p.m.
So last week I was home in Chicago having dinner w/my family, when my Illini beer swilling Uncle says, "You'll never guess who ______ saw at _____ Salon (the _____ is not to protect my sources, it's because I do not remember _____'s name or where she gets her hair cut)."
"The Donald?" I asked.
"No, a guy w/even better 'hair' than the Donald. As ______ walks into the salon she recognizes the man who passes her as he walk out. She turned to the receptionist and says, 'Do you know who that is?...That's Gene Keady.' And the receptionist says, "Yeah, he's a real nice guy...really funny. He comes here to get hair extensions for his comb-over.'"
I kid you not Illini fans.
The Boilermaker coach, who owns a scowl mean enough to make Hannibal Lector cower in fear and who sports better extensions than Beyonce Knowles, has been getting way too much press as he makes his farewell tour of the Big10. Tonight should be 100% dedicated to the 5 Illini Seniors graduating at the end of the year. Here's a small blurb on each.
Luther
When Luther Head saw action as a freshman, we all said, "Man that kid can jump; but if he throws up any more bricks, then he'll be able to build a new house for his mother (Sidney Deane, White Men Can't Jump)." Now, Luther is one of the best 3-point shooters in the nation, and is a candidate to be an All-American.
The Preacher
Best known as the only college basketball player who is an ordained minister, Roger Powell Jr. didn't reach his full potential until Bruce Weber came aboard in 2003. Since then, Powell has played w/a Charles Barkley mentality and given us more SportsCenter highlights, than any other graduating Illini.
Chainsaw
As soon as Nick Smith stepped on the court, we all new that he was the tallest player in Illinois history. W/a soft touch from the outside, we got excited every year when the newspapers reported that smith put on 30 lbs. in the off-season. By my calculation, Nick should be tipping the scales at a solid 370...he's not.
Ham Sandwich
Jack Ingram was recruited by Bill Self to Tulsa and followed Selfless to Illinois - paying his own way. As soon as Ingram became eligible last year, $elf jumped ship again for Kansas. Despite it all, Ingram has made the most of his situation, his talent, and his eligibility. I think that this is his 6th year in college, and even Coach Weber likes to kid him about it, "His patience has been tried. I joke that when I got the job, his mom called and said, 'Would you please stay for two years? My son is losing his self-esteem. Coaches leave when he comes.'
The Walk-on
Fred Nkemdi is a seldom used walk-on who says his greatest accomplishment as an athlete was the day he put on his University of Illinois Basketball jersey. In practice, he's the punching bag for our starters; but seeing Dee, Deron, and Luther jump out of their seats whenever he gets a basket shows how much a part of the team he truly is.
Thanks for all the hard work Seniors!
Preview
It has not been the type of farewell year that the ugliest coach in the college basketball was hoping. He's 7-18 on the year and 3-11 in the Big10, but every stadium that he's visited this year has presented him with a gift. Hopefully, our gift to Gene will be a good ole fashioned ass whipping. Purdon't's best player is Forward Carl Landry who tore his ACL in Saturday's loss to Minnesota. The Boilermakers will have a huge scoring and rebounding void to fill as Landry averaged 18 ppg and 7 rpg.
Without Landry, Purdon't has no one to guard The Rev. Roger Powell Jr. will go off in a big way on Senior Night. Besides being the odds on favorite to cry before the game, Powell will score off easy lay-ups and dunks set up by dishes from Dee, Deron, and Luther. Powell will hit the offensive glass w/such ferociousness that a double-double is almost guaranteed.
Illinois - 85
Purdue - 59
Sincerely,
Ham Sandwich's Goatee
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